I've really been struggling lately with questioning God's plan for my life. I'm so confused and stressed out about the fact that my husband is not getting a job and wondering where God could possibly be taking us through all this. We have had no income other than unemployment for over a year now and we have been humbled and embarassed and our faith has been tested over and over again. We have gotten through each day by taking turns being the "strong one" and encouraging each other that God was leading us somewhere and that perfect job was out there if we had the faith to get there...but I've been really starting to doubt the process and wonder if there is ANY job out there, let alone the perfect one.
I know this is what faith is. Trusting in God even when and especially when everything is out of your control, but every day that passes and nothing changes, more doubts creep in. On my worst days, it almost feels like we are being punished. On those days I have my pity party of feeling abandoned and wondering why so many other people who don't deserve it have all the things that I want.
On my more mature days, I remind myself that if I had been abandoned then I wouldn't have the family and friends around me that have helped us and encouraged us so much. I have to remind myself that if I was being punished then I wouldn't have an amazing husband and three HEALTHY babies.
Maybe we haven't learned all we need to yet about having complete faith in God and I'd like to say that I'm almost there, but I am only human. Only God knows where I am and where I need to be, so today I will trust in Him.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Thursday, January 14, 2010
The weight loss battle...
Why does losing weight have to be so hard? I am currently eating cooked broccoli at 11:40PM trying to satisfy my chewing craving. Lets just say its not doing the job. The real battle: fat and happy or skinny and miserable. This is the, albeit dramatic, question I chant in my head every time I get that craving...after the kids go to bed...for Dove Caramel Pecan Perfection. Most times the "fat and happy" wins, but every morning after I'm quietly cursing myself for being such a weight loss failure...
I truely believe that food is just as much of an addiction as drugs and alcohol, often times leading to fatal results. You don't think its really a problem until you step on that scale (ahhh!) and realize how bad its gotten. Could I really have let myself get this big? I look at pictures from highschool, a mere 7 years ago, and don't recognize that girl. She must still be in there somewhere, but its going to be a long time before I see her again!
I guess it all comes down to a battle of wills. Right now, no thanks to the broccoli, skinny and (maybe not SO) miserable is winning. We will see how long that lasts...afterall, it is only midnight!
I truely believe that food is just as much of an addiction as drugs and alcohol, often times leading to fatal results. You don't think its really a problem until you step on that scale (ahhh!) and realize how bad its gotten. Could I really have let myself get this big? I look at pictures from highschool, a mere 7 years ago, and don't recognize that girl. She must still be in there somewhere, but its going to be a long time before I see her again!
I guess it all comes down to a battle of wills. Right now, no thanks to the broccoli, skinny and (maybe not SO) miserable is winning. We will see how long that lasts...afterall, it is only midnight!
A New Beginning
I'm not sure if anyone will ever lay eyes on this blog but it feels better talking to people "out there" than to myself. I've got to try my best to maintain sanity after all :)
Where do I begin?...I'm 27 but I feel more like 50. Life can do that to you. My husband and my kids drive me absolutely crazy, but I'm crazy about them ;) I've always known that I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom and so far its been everything I wanted, but nothing I expected. Its so funny how you can end up where you thought you would, but the road you took to get there was not the intended one. 20/20 hindsight I suppose. Sometimes it feels like self sabotage; taking the hardest road possible just to prove you can. I'm stubborn, or so I've been told. Your parents try to pass on some of their worldly wisdom and you have to do the complete opposite to show its your life and your decisions. I don't even necessarily regret the decisions I've made because they've made me who I am and they've given me a wonderful husband and three amazing kids. There will always be that "what if", but I'm sure most people face that.
Life isn't just hard because I chose a harder road though. I also struggle with depression. I've struggled so long with it, that I don't remember when it started or if there was ever a time that I wasn't facing it. A lot of times, its totally managable and then there are those crippling moments when I don't have the energy to face the day. I sometimes punish myself for feeling depressed, as if its something I choose. I mean who would be depressed with a husband who loves me unconditionally and supports me unconditionally and three amazing, healthy kids? Well, the fact is, that I still face it and its hard.
I'm kind-of at a crossroads in my life at the moment. I've been in this suspended state for the last year and a half. My husband was layed off from his job a year ago and we've been completely overwhemled by the stress of it all. There hasn't been much time or money for me...sounds incredibly selfish right? Well, I've put myself on the back burner and its taken me nowhere positive. I've gained weight, I'm constantly stressed and its starting to effect the kind of wife and mother I am. Thats when you really start to comprehend how letting yourself go really effects everything else around you.
Well, I've resolved to lose weight...time will tell...and I'm making myself go back to school. I never attended college. I moved out at 19 and had to work. Then I got married at 21 and had my first child shortly after our one year anniversary. Who has time for college in the midst of all that? Well, I wish I did, because now its really hard to do. I'm going to give it a go, though, because if not now, when?
Its important that every stay-at-home mom, whether struggling with depression or not, not lose themselves in the "everyday" of life. Its important to establish an individuality outside of "mommy" and "honey". We shall certainly see if I am able to achieve this or not. I'm hoping this blog will keep me honest. Its always harder to ignore things in words as opposed to thoughts you can push to the back of your mind.
Tonight, I'm feeling hopeful. Tomorrow is another day...Goodnight!
Where do I begin?...I'm 27 but I feel more like 50. Life can do that to you. My husband and my kids drive me absolutely crazy, but I'm crazy about them ;) I've always known that I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom and so far its been everything I wanted, but nothing I expected. Its so funny how you can end up where you thought you would, but the road you took to get there was not the intended one. 20/20 hindsight I suppose. Sometimes it feels like self sabotage; taking the hardest road possible just to prove you can. I'm stubborn, or so I've been told. Your parents try to pass on some of their worldly wisdom and you have to do the complete opposite to show its your life and your decisions. I don't even necessarily regret the decisions I've made because they've made me who I am and they've given me a wonderful husband and three amazing kids. There will always be that "what if", but I'm sure most people face that.
Life isn't just hard because I chose a harder road though. I also struggle with depression. I've struggled so long with it, that I don't remember when it started or if there was ever a time that I wasn't facing it. A lot of times, its totally managable and then there are those crippling moments when I don't have the energy to face the day. I sometimes punish myself for feeling depressed, as if its something I choose. I mean who would be depressed with a husband who loves me unconditionally and supports me unconditionally and three amazing, healthy kids? Well, the fact is, that I still face it and its hard.
I'm kind-of at a crossroads in my life at the moment. I've been in this suspended state for the last year and a half. My husband was layed off from his job a year ago and we've been completely overwhemled by the stress of it all. There hasn't been much time or money for me...sounds incredibly selfish right? Well, I've put myself on the back burner and its taken me nowhere positive. I've gained weight, I'm constantly stressed and its starting to effect the kind of wife and mother I am. Thats when you really start to comprehend how letting yourself go really effects everything else around you.
Well, I've resolved to lose weight...time will tell...and I'm making myself go back to school. I never attended college. I moved out at 19 and had to work. Then I got married at 21 and had my first child shortly after our one year anniversary. Who has time for college in the midst of all that? Well, I wish I did, because now its really hard to do. I'm going to give it a go, though, because if not now, when?
Its important that every stay-at-home mom, whether struggling with depression or not, not lose themselves in the "everyday" of life. Its important to establish an individuality outside of "mommy" and "honey". We shall certainly see if I am able to achieve this or not. I'm hoping this blog will keep me honest. Its always harder to ignore things in words as opposed to thoughts you can push to the back of your mind.
Tonight, I'm feeling hopeful. Tomorrow is another day...Goodnight!
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